Imagine There's No Heaven Read online

  On The Rocks

  Kevin was slumped over in his seat; legs spread wide, hands in pockets, sighing in annoyance. Gina had been unable to sleep with the thoughts of her family flooding her mind. They had given up and returned downstairs. Kevin picked his whisky up from the table, rolled it around in his tumbler, sloshing it from side to side. ‘I think it’s time you and I started to worry about, well, you and I, no?’ he probed. He took a swig of his drink and set the glass on the table. ‘I know you want to be there for Guy and the rest of them, darling, but you can’t just go from issue to issue. I mean, look at what you’ve been through in your life.’ He shook his head sympathetically. ‘Well, anyway, no point getting into that again.’ He stood up and strolled up and down the lounge. ‘Suffice to say, you’ve had your own trouble and have gotten through it. You’ve got to work for yourself now, look out for number one; you’ve earned that right, earned it more than anyone else I know.’ Gina lowered her gaze in timidity. She knew he was right, in theory, but she couldn’t change her character. She couldn’t just pretend to not care about people. ‘These are the years that will shape your life,’ Kevin proclaimed, holding his arms out wide as if to indicate the whole world. ‘We’re building our future now, you and I, our future together, and we owe it to ourselves to create as good a home as possible, for our security and for our future family.’

  ‘So what,’ Gina prodded, ‘I should just abandon my past so I can live my future?’

  ‘No, not abandon, of course not.’ He was rubbing his thumb and finger together, sucking on his lip and gazing into nowhere as he meditated on his thoughts. ‘You have to remember the hardships you yourself have endured and realise that you deserve some sort of a break yourself,’ he proclaimed. ‘You know you could make more money elsewhere for a lot less work and stress. That school isn’t taking you anywhere.’

  ‘So I should just abandon the school?’ Gina scoffed. Her face was wide with disbelief. She wondered if Kevin really understood her at all.

  ‘Gina, you are the one talking of abandonment,’ Kevin pointed out.

  ‘Right,’ Gina dismissed. He’d set her off. Her emotions were pouring out and nothing would stop them coming. ‘Can’t you even see that if anyone deserves a break it’s those students, not me?’

  ‘There was a time when you were one of them,’ Kevin interjected.

  ‘Uh, no, no there wasn’t,’ Gina stated condescendingly. ‘Now you’re just clutching at straws.’

  ‘Well, okay, maybe you weren’t exactly the same, but you had no easier a time growing up. So if kids like that deserve a break, why don’t you?’ He grinned deep down. He knew she hadn’t considered that point of view before and, indeed, the suggestion had caught her off guard. Her eyes darted from random object to random object, searching for an answer. She didn’t have a good one, but that alone wouldn’t make her change her belief. ‘It’s not about me, it’s about them. I got my break. I’ve had it already. I’m lucky to be able to work in a place like that, where I truly matter. And how can it get easier for anyone if people don’t share their experiences?’ She took a glass from the cabinet and hurried to fill it with a red wine. She played with her hair irritably and gulped at her drink. ‘This wine is gross.’ She held the glass up to examine it.

  ‘Yes, I expect it is, and you deserve a better one,’ Kevin quipped. ‘Besides, there’s always going to be grief in this world, Gina. You can’t change that; it’s just the way things are.’

  ‘Does that mean I shouldn’t even try?’

  ‘Oh, God damn it, Gina, you are impossible sometimes.’ He hurried to refill his glass with whisky. ‘How the hell is it fair to you, having been through the struggle you have in your life, to live the rest of your days for the troubles of others?’ He paused for a moment and reluctantly stated, ‘You’re not ridding the world of grief, Gina, you are simply transferring it to yourself, and if you ask me, that just isn’t right.’

  ‘This isn’t about being right or¯

  ‘Anyway, you always say it made you stronger,’ Kevin butted-in, unable to hold his tongue, though he quickly wished he had. He knew he’d gone one step too far. Gina might have been an incredibly strong woman, but even she could be quick to anger when discussing the burdens of her past. Silence gripped the room; a very loud silence, the kind that says more than words ever could. Finally, Gina broke its spell.

  ‘Yes, it made me stronger, but that doesn’t mean I’m glad I never had a childhood,’ she hissed regrettably. Her tone had changed now; she delivered her words deliberately slowly and with venomous precision. ‘Life is a struggle to be happy. It is our duty to each other to do what we can to make one another happy: you, me, the school, Guy... and hopefully by helping others we will in turn be helping ourselves too. At the moment, Guy is the one who needs help—’ She paused as Kevin cleared his throat. He was about to interrupt but Gina held her hand up in a stop sign, lifted her voice and continued. ‘I’m sorry you don’t understand that, but Guy might not get through it alone.’ She shook her head. Her grey eyes glared at Kevin reproachfully. How dare he suggest that Guy, or any other member of her class, was not worth her personal sacrifice? ‘He’s barely hanging on, can’t you see that?’ she pleaded, hoping for some sign of recognition. ‘He is so mixed up, so vulnerable, no matter how much he refuses to admit it.’

  ‘Yeah, well, he has a father. He is not your child, Gina,’ Kevin lectured.

  ‘He’s not anyone’s child, for God’s sake, he’s eighteen. He’s an adult, though quite what that has to do with anything, I don’t know. The point is he’s alone and he needs help and regardless of anything else, I will be there for him.’

  Gina knew she’d said too much. Kevin caught her hesitancy. He paused to think for a moment; then it hit him. ‘This is why you changed your mind about the weekend, isn’t it?’ He forced his eyes shut as though trying to hide from the truth. Gina hid her gaze shyly. Kevin began to bang his fist on the couch in anger. ‘Jesus, Gina, what on earth?’ He shook his head in disbelief. ‘You’re going to do this again. Again you’re going to let him get between you and I.’ He waited for an answer but none came. ‘That little shit,’ Kevin barked. ‘All this just because he’s too pathetic to stand up for himself.’ He was lost in his anger. ‘He needs to sort his bloody act out, the little twerp. He’s eighteen, damn it; his mum passed away years ago.’

  ‘So what?’ Gina snapped. ‘So she passed away years ago so he should have come to terms with it by now, right? You can be downright ignorant sometimes, Kevin.’ She held her emotions as she laid the glass on the table; it was not safe in her hands when her eyes, alone, could kill; by the look on Kevin’s face, they already were. ‘Let me guess, if he’s eighteen he doesn’t need anyone to support him?’ She took a deep breath and attempted to calm herself, but her passion was too strong. ‘Do you actually understand at all?’ she mocked, looking down at Kevin as though he were a petulant child. ‘Where do you think you would be without your mother and father, the teachers and the professionals you respected and everyone else who ever helped you?’

  ‘I didn’t need them at eighteen.’

  ‘Oh, come off it,’ Gina scoffed. ‘Are you seriously suggesting that at eighteen you paid for your own home, your food and everything else? Right. The mighty Kevin needed no one,’ she proclaimed sarcastically. ‘And Lord knows you didn’t need anyone to tell you that you were doing the right thing or to encourage you in any way, hey?’ Tears rose in her eyes. She held a hand to her chest. She felt Guy with her. She felt as though he were right there in the room and she were protecting him. ‘Why can’t you feel for anyone else? You can be downright cruel sometimes, Kevin. You know....’ She paused to hold a bitter tongue; she didn’t want to say the wrong thing in a heated moment. She tried to calm herself but couldn’t stop her anger. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Memories were washing through her mind, pulling her this way and that. The words forced themselves out of her. ‘If you can’t feel for my bro—’ she bit he
r tongue.

  ‘What?’ Kevin muttered, suddenly caught for words.

  ‘I didn’t mean that.’

  ‘You were going to say “brother”,’ Kevin insisted, his tone suddenly changed to one of fright. Surely she couldn’t be likening Guy to her brother. She couldn’t have gotten herself that mixed up over a student, could she?

  ‘No,’ Gina barked, sensing what Kevin was thinking.

  ‘That is what you were going to say, Gina. You were saying “brother”,’ Kevin demanded.

  ‘I meant Guy, for God’s sake. Guy. Guy. If you can’t understand how hellacious it is for Guy, if you can’t care about someone in that sort of personal turmoil, then maybe you’re not the man I—’

  ‘Gina, Guy is not your brother,’ Kevin deliberately interrupted. The anger had bled from him. Suddenly he felt himself to be genuinely concerned for Gina’s mental wellbeing. If she likened Guy to her brother, no wonder she was so passionate and emotionally involved. Still, he wasn’t about to allow her to carry such an emotional burden on her shoulders. He cursed himself for having been so blind and not realising what was going on; and what else might she be feeling? God only knew. ‘Gina, this is serious,’ Kevin warned. His big brown eyes glimmered with tender compassion. His voice was hush and urgent. ‘You cannot imagine that Guy, or any of your other students, can ever replace your brother.’

  ‘I know that,’ Gina barked in urgency. She waved her hand in front of her face like a fan. ‘What are you going on about? This has nothing to do with my brother, I’m talking about Guy.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Kevin asked nervously. He held his hands to his hips, peered deep into her eyes and shook his head in concern. The situation had shown itself to be far more serious than he had thought.

  Gina leaned back, away from his piercing glare and began twiddling with her hair anxiously. ‘You know what, Kevin?’ she spat in anger, desperate to silence him; she couldn’t face what he was saying. ‘Maybe you just aren’t the man I thought you were, if you can’t even understand—’

  ‘Oh, here it comes. Gina thinks she’s above everyone else; a supremacist of morality,’ Kevin butted-in, angry at her for turning the argument around on him. ‘Don’t preach to me, Gina, not when I’m—’ so concerned for your wellbeing, he was about to say, but Gina cut him off.

  ‘I’m not preaching. Christ, why do you have to act this way?’

  ‘What way?’

  ‘As though it’s all a competition; as though we’ve all got to look out for number one.’

  ‘Perhaps because I consider our future to be worth fighting for,’ he snapped. He stood up and began pacing about the room, his finger tapping on the lip of his glass in frustration. ‘Besides, if you’re not living for yourself, who are you living for?’ he baited her. He knew the answer. My brother, was the answer Gina knew to be right, and he wished he could get her to admit it, but instead she turned her face away and hid her feelings, holding a hand to her cheek protectively and biting on her lips to stop them quivering. Kevin held his hand out in apology.

  ‘Look, Gina, I know you feel you’ve—’ he paused sympathetically and lowered his voice ‘—I know you think you’ve a responsibility because of what happened back then and I don’t want to upset you. God knows, I don’t want to upset you, darling. I just wish you could realise that the time has come for us to take control of our own lives and do what is right for us, for our future, for the family we hope to have. If you valued your brother’s life¯God forgive me for bringing this up¯but if you really valued his life then you should value your own and make of it what you can, because that is what he would want for you.’

  She knew he was right. Honouring her brother meant honouring herself, but that was no mean feat. She didn’t feel ready to let her brother go. ‘In time I will live for myself,’ she promised.

  ‘Just not this weekend, right?’ Kevin griped. It had been so long since Gina had truly lived for herself and her marriage that he couldn’t help but get worked-up over it. He chewed on his gum in frustration and started breathing heavily through his nostrils.

  ‘I’m sorry, Kevin,’ Gina pleaded. ‘I’ve wanted to come to your parents for so long, and I still do, but I cannot this weekend. Someone has to be there just in case something happens to Guy. I cannot leave him alone. Oh, I’m sorry baby, truly I am.’ She closed the gap between them and rubbed him on the shoulder tenderly.

  Kevin shrugged her off angrily. ‘Gina, this isn’t even about Guy, don’t you see that?’

  Gina froze. ‘What?’ she whispered fearfully. She moved away from Kevin and held a hand to her heart. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Gina, the reason you care so much about Guy is because you think by getting him through you’ll be saving—’

  The doorbell rang. Kevin stamped a foot down fiercely into the ground and tossed his hands up in the air in defeat. ‘Oh this is a god damn joke. Who the hell is calling at this time of night?’ he spat as he marched off and swung the door open.

  ‘Do you realise what time it—‘ Kevin stopped midsentence. A teenage girl stood at the front door, dressed as though she were on a night out, in a long dark elegant skirt and a white T shirt, but her eyes were wide with concern and she was out of breath and sweating at the brow a little, as though she had run to the house.

  ‘I am so sorry to disturb you, Mr Green,’ she wheezed, out of breath.

  ‘What’s the matter?’ Kevin exclaimed; he didn’t recognise her but she clearly must have been a student of Gina’s. He held a hand to her shoulder and gazed into her eyes in concern. It seemed something terrible had happened.

  ‘I actually need to speak to Gina.’

  ‘Oh,’ Kevin stumbled. ‘I’m not sure if this is really the right time.’ He pretended to stretch and held his arm casually across the door, suggesting there was to be no entry. Gina wasn’t in any state to be listening to the troubles of others; she had more than enough problems of her own to deal with.

  The girl planted her feet firmly on the ground. ‘I’ll wait,’ he stated resolutely. Kevin was perplexed. Quite what the urgency could be he’d no idea. ‘I’m sorry, I really must speak with Gina.’

  ‘Look, I am terribly sorry, but this simply is not the right—‘

  ‘Who is that, Kev’?’ Kevin was surprised to hear Gina calling from upstairs. Yasmin’s eyes rose optimistically as an upstairs window opened and Gina poked her head out. ‘Oh, hi Yasmin,’ Gina called. ‘Kevin, let her in. I’ll be down in a minute.’

  Kevin cursed beneath his breath. He’d been hoping to save his wife from at least some small part of the turmoil she had been caught up in lately. He shook his head bitterly and strolled back into the lounge, leaving the door open for Yasmin to let herself in— which, he thought, was rather like what had happened anyway—but feeling rude he turned and asked, ‘Would you like a drink?’

  He peered up the stairs. There was no sign of Gina. She surely would have been in the washroom tidying herself up. Lord knew that was likely to take a while. ‘Weren’t you panicking just a moment ago?’ he asked in confusion as he saw that Yasmin had calmed herself completely. She looked a different person than the one who had knocked at the door. ‘Oh,’ she said, tidying her hair, ‘I was just worried you and Gina might be in bed. Knowing she’s available is a real relief.’ She took a hand-mirror from her pocket and checked herself over.

  ‘You look wonderful,’ Kevin said, subtly checking her out. ‘I’m sorry, it’s....’

  ‘Yasmin.’

  They shook hands. Her skin felt as soft as a baby’s in his hands. There was something vital about it, something life affirming. He couldn’t help but notice how much more fresh and alive it felt than Gina’s. It had been a long time since a touch had made him feel so new. He smiled at her. She returned the pleasantry. Her eyes were ripe with life. He wished he could read her thoughts. She seemed so vital, so present. It was a truly alluring quality.

  Aware that he had quite forgotten himself since Yasmin
had entered the home, Kevin shook his head out the clouds and snapped his hand out of Yasmin’s. He looked up the stairs with concern. There was no sign of Gina. He breathed a slow, calming breath and shook his head. When the hell was Gina going to start thinking about him? He loved her to bits but when she offered him so little affection—well, he was a man, after all. He needed attention. He needed Gina and her bloody students were keeping her from him. It made him sick. How he wished he and Gina were Yasmin’s age, with all the time in the world to indulge in one another, to be excited every day. How stale it had all become. He turned away from Yasmin. ‘She’ll be down in a minute,’ he said dismissively, plonking himself on the couch.

  A moment later, Kevin spluttered in shock. ‘Can you please not smoke in the house, darling?’ he gasped. Gina tossed her head dismissively at him. He stood still, wondering just what the hell had happened. ‘Excuse me?’ She ignored him.

  ‘Yasmin, come through to the garden,’ Gina requested, opening the back door and strolling out.

  The outside security light came on. The grass was damp. It itched Gina’s feet. She skipped over to the bench at the far side and sat. Yasmin followed.

  ‘Are you all right, Mrs Green?’ Yasmin asked. She watched Gina inhale another puff of smoke and let it out in slow indulgence.

  ‘Yes, yes, I’m quite all right.’ She ran her eyes over Yasmin as though she were puzzled. ‘You’re not in my class...?’

  ‘No, Mrs Green.’

  ‘Gina.’

  ‘No, Gina. I’m here about Guy.’

  Gina leaned back and wrapped one leg over the other. She hugged her arms close to her body, closing Yasmin off. ‘I see. Well, what’s the matter?’

  Yasmin gave Gina space. She knew she didn’t really have a right to come to a teacher’s house after hours, or indeed ever, and Gina wasn’t even her teacher. She gulped as she realised how presumptuous she was being; still, it was urgent. ‘Guy and I were supposed to meet at Rams tonight. He didn’t show.’

  ‘Rams the nightclub?’ Yasmin nodded. ‘I can’t blame him,’ Gina jested. ‘Not because of you, but you have to admit, that place is a dump.’ Yasmin laughed awkwardly. ‘So, what does this have to do with me?’

  ‘Well. I thought everything was fine. Or rather, that Guy had just blown me off. That was until I saw Naz.’

  ‘Naz Rashid?’ Gina lowered her gaze to hide her shame and took a drag on her cigarette. She knew she shouldn’t, but she felt responsible for not having paid enough attention to Guy over the past few days. She felt at blame.

  ‘Yeah, that’s him. Well, he looked at me....’ She froze. Her skin trembled in disgust as she thought of Naz. ‘He just gave me an impression. I think he might have had a fight with Guy.’

  Gina began to tap her foot on the path in anxiety whilst Yasmin twiddled nervously with her hair. They looked each other up and down, silently sharing a mutual compassion. ‘Did you go around to Guy’s?’ Gina asked.

  Yasmin shrugged. ‘He wouldn’t come to the door. Some woman, and not a very nice one by the look of it’—she raised her eyebrows and puffed out her cheeks as though she were disturbed at the memory of the woman—’came to the door and told me he was busy.’ Gina raised an eyebrow dubiously. ‘Anyway, that isn’t the point,’ Yasmin insisted, knowing full well what Gina was thinking. ‘He hasn’t been acting himself lately. I know something is badly up with him. And, well, I’m scared for him, to be honest.’ Gina nodded understandingly; she knew all too well what Yasmin was feeling. Still, she couldn’t help but feel annoyed; it felt like her life was being pulled out of her own hands. Yasmin must have noticed Gina’s frustration for she stood up and began shaking her head apologetically. ‘Look, I shouldn’t have come. I’m sorry.’ She lowered her head sorrowfully. Her long brown hair draped down her chest. She brushed it behind her head and eyed the sky as though seeking some divine inspiration.

  ‘Oh, no, you did the right thing,’ Gina reassured her. She grabbed Yasmin’s hand and squeezed it compassionately. ‘I’m glad you came.’

  ‘It’s just that I know he thinks very highly of you,’ Yasmin explained, regaining her confidence. ‘I was wondering whether you might be able to check that everything is fine.’

  Kevin appeared in the doorway at the back of the house. He looked over with concern. Gina noticed and sighed. ‘I don’t really think it’s my place, Yasmin,’ she reluctantly concluded. ‘Maybe you should call the police.’

  ‘He’d never forgive me. No, I can’t do that.’ Yasmin answered sincerely, though Gina had hardly even heard her. She was gazing at Kevin meditatively, questioning where her place was and what the right course of action might be. She couldn’t possibly leave now, she thought, not so soon after such an emotional argument with Kevin, but she also couldn’t feel good about letting Yasmin and Guy down. ‘It’s not my place,’ she said, struggling to force a dismissive tone into her voice. She stood up and began to scurry off towards Kevin.

  ‘Well then whose place is it?’ Yasmin begged, gripping Gina by the wrist.

  ‘I don’t want to interfere, Yasmin,’ Gina insisted, yanking herself free.

  ‘He told me you were different.’ Gina stopped in her tracks. ‘He said you truly cared, that you weren’t like the others, but you’re just another nine-to-fiver, aren’t you?’

  ‘No, I am not,’ Gina bellowed. She was furious, with Kevin, with Yasmin, with herself; hell, a part of her was even furious with Guy and he wasn’t even there. How dare everyone force her into a hole? She had a right to do what she thought was right, but what was that? She didn’t even know. She needed time. Sorrowfully, she concluded, ‘I think it’s time for you to leave, Yasmin.’

  Yasmin scoffed and barged passed Gina. ‘Well you damn sure look like a nine-to-fiver right now, let me tell you.’ Kevin moved out of Yasmin’s way as she stormed passed.

  Gina bit her lip then slammed a foot to the ground, held her arms out wide and begged to the stars. What the hell? she screamed in her head. She pinched her eyes closed and shook her head in defeat. ‘Yasmin, wait,’ she called. She turned to Kevin in a hurry, ‘I’m sorry,’ she pleaded. He didn’t respond but just gazed at the ground in sadness and bitterness. She couldn’t blame him, but she also couldn’t refuse Guy help. ‘Look, you’re right,’ she offered in compensation. ‘I do feel responsible and it is because of my past and I promise I will sort it out. I swear to you, Kev’, but I must be there for Guy, just for now. I’m so sorry,’ she begged whilst hurrying into the house, running after a student that wasn’t even hers. ‘Yasmin, wait. I’m coming.’

  Yasmin had stopped by the front door when Gina came running. She grinned as much from a sense of pride in Gina as relief that Guy would be getting help. Gina grabbed her phone out of her pocket and started drumming numbers into the keypad. She grabbed her set of car keys from the holder and dashed out of the door.

 

  Guy was lying in bed when Gina came to the house. He heard her knocking and his dad letting her into the home. He guessed Yasmin must have told her; he wished she hadn’t, but he didn’t blame her. She must have panicked when he hadn’t shown at the club; after all, she knew what Naz was like and that the two of them had been arguing lately. He hadn’t heard Yasmin enter with Gina, but that wasn’t surprising; she must have been worried he would blame her for causing trouble.

  Guy tossed the sheets off of his body and lay out flat on the bed. He felt as though he were baring his soul. He couldn’t go on pretending that he was strong any more. He felt he had to admit to himself and to everyone else just exactly who and what he was. He had to admit what he had done. He would let Gina see his wrist. Maybe once the truth came out he would be able to start to move on.

  He panicked when his door swung open and Gina stepped in. Even despite his battered and bruised face and his black eye, it was the bandaged wrist that she eyed first. She tried her best not to squirm, but her face screwed up in horror and she had to bite her lip to stop herself from crying. Guy gasp
ed in fear, terrified what Gina might think of him, and immediately went for the bottle of vodka on the counter. He grabbed a glass that he had conveniently left lying about and filled it to the brim.

  He was about to slosh his vodka back when Gina yelled at him. ‘You idiot,’ she snapped. She ran up and grabbed the drink out of his hand. ‘You can’t drink now....’ She was shaking with fright. She couldn’t bring herself to talk of his self-inflicted wound and so pointed at it instead. She grabbed the glass out of his hand and set it on the table. ‘God damn it, Guy.’

  Guy eyed her apologetically, unable to find the right words. He reached over and picked a pack of Marlboro up from the floor, holding a hand around his back and grimacing as he did so; the ache in his muscles was unforgiving. He cleared his throat, took a Zippo lighter off the table and lit his smoke.

  ‘Give me one,’ Gina ordered. His face screwed up in confusion and he muttered something over his cigarette. Gina held her hand to her ear. ‘Sorry,’ Guy said, taking the cigarette out of his mouth. ‘You smoke?’

  Gina laughed. ‘Yes, Guy, I smoke.’ He eyed her as though she’d gone mad. ‘Guy, I’m only your teacher ‘til the bell rings. You wanted me to be real, right? You wanted to know the real me? Well, the real me would like a cigarette, please, and I think both the real me and the teacher have earned one.’

  ‘Yes, Mrs Green,’ Guy mocked, handing a smoke over. He felt dirty when he lit it, but a good kind of dirty. It was then he realised he had Gina sat on his bed. He grabbed his blankets and covered himself up. ‘I’m cold,’ he muttered nervously. Gina froze awkwardly and remained silent.

  ‘So,’ Guy muttered.

  ‘So,’ Gina repeated with no more composure. She shook her head in sadness as her eyes examined the damage on his face that Seth had inflicted. Guy’s lip was fat and swollen and a purple black bruise surrounded his right eye. ‘Naz did this?’

  ‘Naz?’ Guy laughed mockingly. ‘Naz didn’t do shit, he’s a pussy. His brother, Seth, did this.’

  Gina glared at him in disgust; she knew Seth was several years older than Guy; he could have ended up in jail if someone informed the police. She opened her mouth as though to speak but fell silent. She wished she could call the authorities, but with Guy’s self-inflicted wound they’d be bound to ask questions and she knew he would not want that. That didn’t help her position, though. If she didn’t call the police and somehow someone found out she had been at Guy’s house at such an hour she would be fired for certain. At least if the authorities came she would have a legitimate excuse. She put her head in her hands as she realised how dire her situation was, but soon shook off her fear as Guy looked at her in concern.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked. Gina nodded and smiled politely. ‘You know, I really didn’t think that when I saw you out of school I would be in bed with a bloody wrist and face and you would be smoking.’

  ‘No, nor did I,’ Gina mumbled.

  Guy’s face flushed red. ‘I don’t know what to say,’ he conceded.

  Gina inhaled on her smoke. ‘Well, if you don’t want to start by telling me about this’—she indicated his wrist—’then you might as well ask me something. You said you wanted to know me, right?’ He nodded. ‘So ask away.’

  ‘All right, let’s see.’ He bit on his lip. He couldn’t believe he was actually happy. He shook his head out of the clouds, amazed that he was able to see some good in the night he had had; still, his positive emotions made no less sense than the negative ones, and they damn sure came as a pleasant change. ‘I want to know why you want me to get through this so much, and I want to know how I’m going to turn this around, and...’ he was practically vomiting the words out. He coughed into his hands. Gina held the palm of her hand up in a Stop sign.

  ‘Guy, I’m not going anywhere. You have enough time to ask me all you want,’ Gina reasoned, unable to keep up with Guy’s frantic mind. ‘Let’s start from the beginning. The reason why I want you to get through this is because I know what it’s like.’

  Guy didn’t like that answer much. There was no way Gina could possibly know what he had been through, and to pretend just to comfort him was patronising. He inhaled deeply on his smoke, rolled it around in his mouth, breathed it out and flicked the ash. Gina could read his disbelief. ‘Oh, it’s true, whether you believe it or not.’ She sat up erect, closed her eyes and took a deep breath before continuing.

  ‘I was fifteen when I lost my father. He died on Valentine’s Day 1996, not that he was much use to us at that point anyway. He was a complete alcoholic that didn’t give a damn about me or anyone else in the family. He made my mum earn every penny that was spent on us; me and my brother, that is. My brother was....’ She sighed deeply and inhaled on her cigarette. She’d never told her story to a student. She’d hardly told it to anyone at all. She weighed Guy up. He was sincere, and she knew enough about him to write a book. More than anything, though, she knew he respected her and would never do anything against her. She trusted him in a way she trusted very few people. ‘My brother was different,’ she continued. ‘In my father’s eyes he was broken. He was younger than me. He died when I was thirteen. My Mum couldn’t handle it after that and turned to alcohol too, so I had to get a job if I wanted to continue my education.’ She took a deep breath and continued, figuring it was best to just get her story over with. ‘I worked most nights and had classes every day as well. I was not going to let them hold me back. I was going to live a real life, not an alcohol induced blur.’ Guy eyed the bottle of vodka on the table nervously. ‘Oh, for goodness sake, Guy. I’m not saying I don’t drink at all. It’s all about moderation.’ She gazed in wonder at the bottle of clear liquid sitting innocently on the table. It was amazing how much power a simple drink could have. ‘I needed to prove that it was possible to get away from drink and live a normal, successful life.’

  Guy sat up. He was listening intently, as though the words really resonated with him. Gina was glad. It felt as though she were coming to terms with things herself by talking about her past with Guy. ‘I worked my butt off,’ she continued. ‘I had to. I had to earn every penny I needed to get myself into college and I did, in the end. Then I got my degree and, finally, made it here to teach you.’ She smiled with pride, then shrugged and started playing with her hair nervously.

  ‘That’s great, Gina.’ Guy said, folding his arms across his chest and turning his gaze to the ceiling in exasperation, ‘but you’re a lot smarter than I am.’

  Gina scoffed. ‘Come off it, Guy.’ She folded her arms across her chest, intentionally matching his stance. ‘This is it now, Guy. From now on you and I are on a zero bullshit policy, okay?’ Guy nodded his head in sincerity. His eyes were focussed on her with determination, a look she had only ever seen on him when he was boxing. She was glad. ‘I passed my grades and ended up going to college simply because I worked my ass off on it, and so can you. You can succeed. I mean sure, I didn’t have a criminal record, which probably made it easier for me than it would be for you, but that’s not the point. The point is that no matter where you might be right now, if you work hard enough at it and truly believe in yourself then you can succeed.’

  ‘But why do you even care?’ Guy groaned. ‘God, you care more than I do. Really, I mean that.’

  ‘Right now, yes, perhaps I do. Sometimes you need others to believe in you before you can believe in yourself. And I believe because I know that deep down you’re a good guy, regardless of anything else. I know that. I also know how hard it is when you are coming from where you’re coming from, but it is possible, Guy, and you will make it. The only thing you have to do is to decide for yourself, right now—’ she tapped him on the leg to check that he was listening. He sat up. ‘Right now, you have to decide that you want to succeed. The answers will come with time, but it all starts with that decision, Guy. You have hit rock bottom—’ she indicated his bloodied wrist ‘—and you have survived. And you are still fighting. And all you have to do right now is to say to your
self that you will succeed. Just say it.’

  ‘Man, that’s hard.’ Guy coughed into his hand. He took another Marlboro out and lit it.

  ‘Guy, you know deep down that you can succeed.’ She eyed his chest and squeezed her fists as though she were trying to extract some essence of life from him. ‘Do you not feel that part of yourself that says, “To hell with it all; you can throw at me whatever you want; you can hurt me however you want, but I will keep on kicking”?’

  Guy did a double-take. He sat up erect and alert. ‘Yeah,’ he said excitedly, ‘Yeah, I do feel that. It’s small and quiet but it is there.’

  ‘So why don’t you listen to it? Maybe then you will start to feel that way more often.’

  ‘You been smoking something?’ Guy mocked. ‘You sound like Oprah or one of them other fuddy-duddy spiritual freaks.’

  Gina laughed. ‘Well, unfortunately I don’t have that much money, Guy.’

  ‘Yeah, and you’re better looking.’

  ‘Thank you, Guy, but I am also a teacher,’ she warned. ‘Anyway, look,’ she pointed to the walls of Guy’s room, which were adorned with great fighters: Muhammad Ali, Joe Calzaghe, BJ Penn, Chuck Lidell, Bruce Lee and more. ‘What makes them good fighters?’

  ‘Well, ‘cause they’re strong,’ Guy rifled off an answer. ‘No, they’re well trained, like educated. And they’re fast.’ His finger was tapping on his leg. His eyes were squinting in thought. ‘Oh God, Gina, I don’t know.’

  ‘Well, can I tell you what I think? I think it’s because their whole being moves in one direction, like a bullet. They are focused on one thing: winning; that is all they know. You, you’re trying to move every which way. I don’t blame you. Lord knows I don’t blame you. You’ve been emulating a hero figure for so long you have never even thought about what your passion is.’ Guy leant forward and examined her eyes as though she were going crazy. ‘Don’t look at me like that. I’m for real. When you start to listen to you, the real you, deep down, then you’ll start to find answers. None of this external drama will matter. You’ll have a vision, a focus. Do you understand?’ He nodded his head uncertainly. ‘So you can spend your life bouncing around from drama to drama or you can decide, right now, to find out what is at the centre of you, what you’re really all about, your passion; then maybe you’ll spend less time walking in the footsteps of guys like Naz and more time walking in the footsteps of great men like Bruce Lee.’ Guy fingered his dog tags and eyed the posters on the wall. They empowered him. His jaw stiffened. ‘Do you trust me?’ Gina asked.

  Guy sat up straight and turned to Gina with complete focus in his eyes. ‘More than anyone I know.’

  ‘Good, because you may well find this stupid, but there’s something I want you to try for me, okay? It’s important to me.’ Guy nodded. ‘I want you to try to meditate.’

  Guy scrunched his face up in disbelief. ‘You for real?’

  ‘You bet your ass I am for real. All of those fighters did,’ she pointed to the posters once more. ‘In fact, you can even do the Bruce Lee meditations if that makes you feel better about it, if that makes it cool for you, Mr Smooth.’

  Guy’s eyes narrowed. ‘Bruce Lee had his own meditations?’ Gina nodded. ‘How could I not have known that?’

  ‘Probably because you never listened,’ Gina pointed out honestly. ‘Bruce Lee’s meditation would be great for you, actually. It’s often called qigong, or chi kung. It involves working with the life force.’

  ‘Like Star Wars?’

  Gina laughed. ‘Yes, actually, Star Wars is pretty much based around the life force. Anyway, it basically involves you doing slow, graceful movements as you focus on your breathing. It’s really good as a beginner’s meditation and it will probably even help with your boxing.’ To Gina’s surprise, Guy was nodding his head slowly but surely as though he liked the idea. She pointed to his computer. ‘You can look these things up. There’s a ton of websites about meditation. You should probably start easy, though. Just start by closing your eyes and focussing absolutely on your breath, and no matter what thoughts arise, return your focus to your breath.’

  ‘I can do that,’ Guy boasted as though Gina were talking child’s play.

  ‘Well, it might not be as easy as you expect, but yes, I know you can do it,’ she stated confidently. She stubbed her cigarette out. ‘I guess I should be going.’

  ‘You can stay,’ Guy offered half jokingly, though he wished she would. Gina eyed him in caution. He smirked. ‘Thanks, Gina.’ He closed his eyes for a moment then thought. ‘Gina?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘You know I would always be there for you if you needed me, right?’ He waited eagerly for a response.

  ‘Yeah; yeah, I know, Guy.’ She stood up and move to the door. ‘You take it easy, okay?’

  Letters from the dead